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Things you can share or do:

 Do each other’s hair/makeup/nails, or get it done at a boutique

 Driving around town can be such a thrill!

 Go to the store together, grocery store, whatever, someplace slightly public

 Shop together, and both, try on clothes in the dressing room

 Sleep together, as in go to bed, wearing matching silky outfits

 Make love wearing matching silky outfits

 Go to a lesbian bar together, go dancing, have fun girls!

 Go to group meetings or CD/TV social groups

 shhh... Halloween is a night where you can be whatever you want

 Shave your legs together, or shave each other’s

 Go on a weekend getaway, where nobody knows you, and have your man dress en femme in public

 Just cuddle, like two sexy girls (oh how sweet)

 Have your en femme man model clothes for you

 Go to a CD friendly boutique and have a full makeover done

 Videotape your en femme man and show him how feminine she is!

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ADVANTAGES OF HAVING A CROSS-DRESSING HUSBAND

1. You can have your own private slumber parties.


2. If he wears a skirt it's easy access.


3. He always envies you because he would rather be wearing what you are wearing.


4. You can have a girlfriend as well as a boyfriend who doesn't mind waiting while you take your time shopping.


5. You can double your wardrobe if he's the same size as you!


6. You never have to worry about cheating on you with another woman. He IS the other woman!!


7. You always have a girlfriend to go shopping and have lunch with!!


8. He'll NEVER object to being a clothes dummy and wearing a dress while you hem it.


9. While shopping, you can test a new shade of nail polish on him and he doesn't complain or ask to see a matching lipstick.


10. He'll rarely have that scratchy five o'clock shadow.


11. He'll never ask you to have a threesome with another woman as long as he can wear the lingerie.


12. He will be sympathetic about your excess body hair.


13. He won't tear your lingerie when removing it from you.


14. He won't mind waiting on you or your girlfriends, and he won't forget to curtsey.


15. If you need a slip for that new dress you bought, he happens to have the perfect one, and lets you
borrow it.


16. You can switch off wearing the high heels while on a long shopping spree.


17. A man in a dress makes a good cook.


18. He loves to smell perfume and will give you an honest opinion.


19. You can test a new shade of lipstick on him.


20. If you purchase something for your home, it will never be too feminine.


21. At least the toilet seat will be down.


22. He is a lot easier to buy gifts for.


23. He knows just the right way to make love, takes his time and knows just what makes you tick!


24. He will understand much better that the best thing a girl can have when she feels down is new clothes.


25. If he buy's you clothes, you know he sizes them right.


26. You can take him to the hair salon with you and he will sit quietly while you both get your hair done, and he will never complain. In fact he will thank you.


27. The only time he will ever care if you wear curlers to bed is if he has to wear the oversized rollers.


28. He understands why you don't care for spending 8 hours a day in pantyhose and high heels.


29. Never complains about leaving delicate underwear out to dry.


30. You have a girlfriend who doesn't get PMS.


31. He will not only shop with you but pay the bill as well!


32. He knows how to handle delicates when he does the laundry.


33. Satin and velvet are more snuggly than denim and wool.


34. He understands the need for quality cosmetics.


35. You have even more excuses to go shopping, and he will even carry the bags.


36. You can borrow his jewelry, clothes & makeup.


37. He understands why you go through so many pairs of stockings.


38. He no longer expects you to get ready for a night on the town in 15 minutes or less.


39.The world needs more feminists in lipstick.


40. You can take the Cosmo quizzes together.


41. You can ask him how an outfit looks, and get an intelligent response.


42. His new friends don't spend all day watching football.


43. He knows to walk slow when you're wearing heels.


44. If he says "Hon, you look nice." you know he really means it.


45. He can spot makeup smudges better than any other guy.


46. He's like having a live in cosmetologist.


47. He loves to go shopping with you and watch you try on clothes.


48. He knows how to treat a lady with care, sensitivity and respect.


49. He's a girl friend that will stick around, and won't flake out on you or stab you in the back.


50. He loves to dress up and have long chat sessions.


51. You can have a threesome without adding another partner.


52. If you've ever been bi-curious you can experiment a little.


53. You know one of you will have a tissue with you when you need it.


54. Dress him up in a French Maid's Uniform and you have a house cleaner for the day.

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Howdy Doody in the Looking Glass:

"Cross dressers are the most selfish people in the world."

I first heard that from the wife of one of our long time members. While she loves her husband dearly and supports his dressing, she still sees cross dressers as very selfish people. At the last meeting, we had a presentation by Dr. Rita Cotterly who counsels Transgendered individuals. In her presentation, Dr. Cotterly explained how, in our lives, we can let others’ expectations and opinions control all our actions. As cross dressers, this is the primary reason we stay in the closet and keep our preferences in clothing a secret. "What would they think if they knew?" Dr. Cotterly referred to this as being a puppet, other people always pulling our strings and controlling our actions: Howdy Doody.

When we finally come out of the closet and reveal our feminine selves to another person, there is a great realization that the world doesn’t come to an end when someone who knows us sees us in a dress. There are repercussions to be sure, but for most of us, it is not the nightmare experience we envisioned in our heads. What a relief it was to be able to express our feminine side and still be alive.

But there is a dark side to that. Once the veil of shame and secrecy was lifted from our cross dressing, we became emboldened. Some go so far as to say I can do whatever I want. While this is true in the strictest sense, all of us have responsibilities to others, including our spouse or significant other, if we are in that situation, our birth family (parents, siblings, children) and our job, church and other outside activities. You say, "They’ll just have to accept me. This is who I am."

Yes, this is who you are. But do you really want your frail, elderly parent to have that shoved in their face, especially if you know the reaction will not be good? Responsibility. It’s a heavy word and a heavy burden.

But you say, "I have to be true to myself. Others have dictated my life for too long. Now It’s my turn." The opposite of the puppet is the Narcissist; One who loves and admires himself above, and to the exclusion of all others. It’s me in the looking glass, I see (and no others, I might add). Selfish. It’s a fun word. I can be me, to hell with you. I have talked with many of our members over the years and a theme runs through their actions. She doesn’t want me to do whatever, but I’m going to do it anyway. I have the RIGHT. The same ones exercising their "right" to be selfish can’t understand why she wants a divorce, wants him out of the house and out of her life. Selfish. It’s a hurtful word.

So, I can’t be Howdy Doody where others control me, and I can’t be true to myself. So what’s left? Nothing? No, what is left is to be a responsible, thinking person who evaluates his actions not only by his desires and wants but also by the crucible of others’ feelings. If my actions will hurt others, I must be honest with that other person and sensitive to them. When I think about my actions, when I am sensitive to others, when I communicate my needs and listen to my partner’s fears, then what I see in the looking glass is not Howdy Doody or a narcissistic, selfish person but rather a responsible adult making responsible, caring decisions.

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Depression:

If you suspect that you or someone you know may be suffering from depression, seek professional help. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression include:

Persistent sad or "empty" mood

Loss of interest or pleasure in ordinary activities, including sex

Fatigue and decreased energy

Sleep disturbances (insomnia, early-morning waking or oversleeping)

Eating disturbances (loss of appetite and weight loss or weight gain) ·

Difficulty concentrating, remembering or making decisions

Feelings of guilt, worthlessness and helplessness

Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts

Irritability

Excessive crying

Chronic aches and pains that don't respond to treatment

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Transgenderism:

By Nancy Nangeroni

 A Transgender person is someone whose gender display at least sometimes runs contrary to what other people in the same culture would normally expect. Transgender folks come in several flavors:

FTM (female to male): born female but see themselves as partly to fully masculine.

MTF (male to female): born male but see themselves as partly to fully feminine.

 Intersexed: born with a combination of male and female physiology 'hermaphrodite.” May accept as natural their mixed gender.

Gender variations are more common than most people suspect, because many people hide their true nature out of fear for their safety and security. 

 Many people who explore transgender Behavior, do not self-identify as transgender. Women wearing pants may not seem transgender today, but fifty years ago they were. Boys wearing  "girl's clothes" may not call themselves "transgender," yet they enjoy playing in this way. Cross-dressing is enjoyed by both males and females, but appears more pronounced in males because of an imbalance in norms of attire and attitude (we see little transgression when a woman wears a suit).

 Sex VS. Gender

    In order to understand the difference between someone who is gay, lesbian, or bisexual, and someone who is transgender, you need to know the difference between sex and gender. Simply put, sex is polarity of anatomy. Gender is polarity of appearance and behavior. As one gains familiarity with transgenderism, these definitions quickly break down, but they serve as a good starting point.  

Bipolarity

    Most people think there are just two sexes, male and female. Such is not the case. People who are intersexed and some (not all) people who are transsexual constitute sexes which are neither exactly male nor exactly female.  

    Likewise, gender is not a simple case of "either/or." Gender is exhibited by countless signals, from articles of clothing to cosmetics, hairstyles, conversational styles, body language and much more. Though our culture tends to group characteristics into 'masculine" and "feminine", many people find some amount of gender transgression exciting, so there is some crossover between the two categories. Ultimately, gender is a "mix and match" mode of self-expression, and people within our culture are. ever finding new ways to express their gender, with exciting subtleties and intriguing implications.     In general, it works best to think of all effects - sexual orientation, gender identity, sexual identity, and any others - as varying along a continuous spectrum of self-expression, rather than in just one of two or three ways.

    Notice how, in this "Gender Today" graph, women's range of gender extends through man's range, but man's range does not include women's. Our gender 'norms" are not symmetric. Women have won for themselves the right to a wide range of gender expression.    Men have not made a corresponding effort. Most men live within a much narrower range of 'acceptable" gender.

 Sexual Orientation w Gender/Sexual Identity

    Sexual orientation, gender identity, and sexual identity are independent of each other. A person may express any variation of each of these in any combination. To discourage the free expression of identity and orientation by an individual is to impose a damaging burden of conformity. 

    Sexual Orientation is which sex you find erotically attractive: opposite (hetero), same (homo), or both (BI). 

    Sexual Identity is how you see yourself physically: male, female, or in between. If someone is born female, but wishes to see their body as male in all respects, their sexual identity is male. It is rude to speak of such a person as female, since it denies their right to inhabit the social and physical role of their choosing. We call such a person a transsexual, whether or not they have had any surgery. Many FTM (Female To Male) transsexuals do not undergo genital surgery, because of often disappointing results and terribly expensive cost. As surgical technique improves, such people will be able to achieve more satisfying realizations of their dreams. However, since it is healthier for these people to live in accord with their wishes and heartfelt need, we call them men, though they may have a vagina where one would expect to find a penis.

    The situation for MTF (Male To Female) transsexuals is equivalent, except that the surgery produces a much more satisfying result, both cosmetically and functionally.     

Nonetheless, many transsexuals elect to not have the surgery, most often because of risk, path, or cost. Those who retain male sexual functioning may refer to themselves as transgenderists, since it is only their gender which is changed. Those that disown all male sexual function (surgery or no) tend to identify as transsexuals, since they change their sexual function, and therefore their sexual identity.

    Gender Identity is how you see yourself socially: man, woman, or a combination of both. One may have a penis but prefer to relate socially as a woman, or one may have a vagina but prefer to relate as a man. One might prefer to be fluid, relating sometimes as a man and sometimes as a woman. Or one might not identify as either one, relating androgynously.  

Definitions/terms

    People tend to categorize themselves. This identification can be helpful in finding like- minded others for friendship, but it can be hurtful if imposed on an individual by others, well-intentioned or not. In relating to transgender folk, it is best to avoid pushing an individual to choose a category for themselves. Some folks prefer to explore the fringes of category, and a push for identification works against personal exploration and fulfillment.  

Transgender folk have self-identified as: 

Drag Queen: Female-emulating male, usually   campy, often (not always) gay. 

Butch: Masculine-appearing person

Femme: Feminine-appearing person.

Drag King: Male-emulating woman.

Intersexed: Person born with mixed sexual   physiology. Often 'assigned' at birth, such practice is coming under well-founded attack   as a hurtful violation of a person's well-being.

Transvestite: Person who enjoys wearing clothes identified with the opposite gender, often but not always straight.

Cross dresser: Polite term for transvestite.

Transgenderist: Person living as gender opposite to anatomical sex, i.e. person with penis living as a woman. Sexual orientation  varies.

Androgyny: Person appearing and identifying as neither man nor woman, presenting a gender either mixed or neutral.

Transsexual: Person whose sexual identity is opposite to their assignment at birth. Not all TS folk undergo 'sex reassignment surgery' (SRS), for various reasons, including personal  preference. Sexual orientation varies.

Transgender (TG) Community: A loose association of gender transgressors. Recently awakened, this community is growing fast  across social, economic, political, and philosophical divisions. It's central ethic is unconditional acceptance of individual exercise of freedoms including gender and sexual, identity and orientation.

 A Community Besieged

    Unfortunately, the TG community, suffers from severe victimization. Society often reacts to gender transgression by trying to discourage the behavior, punishing the individual.

Transgender folk are much more likely than others to commit suicide, to be murdered, to be fired from their job, to be beaten up, and to be hurt in many more ways, some as blatant as open ridicule, some as insidious as non-hiring.  

    Some people, simply because "their gender expression differs from the norm, are subjected to the emotional trauma and physical suffering of barbaric 'therapeutic' practices such as imprisonment and shock therapy. While these are justified as “for the welfare of the individual,' they are too often intended to comfort the individual's family, with little regard for the suffering of the individual. The level of trauma suffered' by transgender folk is much higher than the norm, and is reflected in more difficult lives and greater incidence of depression and despair.    All of this is beginning to change, as people learn that there is no harm visited on either the individuals, their families, or their workplace by gender transgression. In fact, there are and have always been cultures where gender transgression is accepted as a natural part of the life of the culture. 

   The only harm that accompanies transgenderism is the same harm that is still too often visited on some folks by racism. In the case of transgender folk, the words for the feelings that cause people to hurt us are fear of difference and trans-phobia. The words for the feelings that end the suffering and heal this segment of our society are compassion and tolerance.  

Suggested Reading:                    [

Leslie Feinberg: Tramgender Warriors (Beacon, 1996)

Kate Bornstein: Gender Outlaw (Routledge, 1994)

Leslie Feinberg: Stone Butch Blues (Firebrand, 1993)

For more information on these issues, please contact: IFGE

THE INT'L FOUNDATION FOR GENDER EDUCATION  PO Box 229, Waltham, MA 02154-0229 

Tel: 617-899-2212 Email ifge@world.std.com 

or the author at: 276 Pearl St, Unit L, Cambridge MA 02139-4716 Tel 617-497-6928 Email nrn@world.std.com and when in Boston, listen to: GenderTalk Wednesday evenings at 8:30 on WMBR, 88.1 FM (“1^st on the dial”)  

Nancy Nangeroni is a member of the Board of Directors IFGE, host and executive director of Gender Talk and “founder” of The Transsexual Menace/Boston, disorganization. A graduate of MIT, she earns a living as a consulting computer design engineer.  

1996 Ninja Design, all rights reserved. Please copy freely, excerpt w/ attrib

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Cross-Dressing Books:

From the Slivers.com newsletter. "Where we let you know about what's new; and of course what's the feature of the month! Order of entries this month is apparel for him and her; along with 17 new book titles covering Cross-Dressing!

"We offer many other splendid items along with those, which are listed here. Please visit our website located at http://www.Slivers.com for our complete selection. If you would like to join our mailing list, just email with add me in the subject line."

Non-Fiction

Body Alchemy: Transsexual Portraits by: Loren Cameron LAMBDA LITERARY AWARD WINNER  Andy Warhol, Robert Mapplethorpe, Dianne Arbus among many others have all trained their lenses on the Transgendered figure. Never have the Transgendered seriously photographed their own. Not until Loren Cameron, that is. Kate Bornstein 'Loren Cameron's razor-sharp vision compels us to focus on the complex transition from which transsexual men emerge. Cameron's photographs are as exquisite as they are meaningful.' -- Leslie Feinberg

Sex Changes: The Politics of Transgenderism by: Pat Califia Pat Califia's meticulously researched analysis of the contemporary history Of transsexuality combines a well thought-out chronology with her hallmark candor and insight.

I Am My Own Woman by: Charlotte von Mahlsdorf The narrative of Germany's most celebrated transvestite, who came out during the terror of the Third Reich.

My Husband Wears My Clothes: Cross Dressing from the Perspective of a Wife by: Peggy J. Rudd Seventh printing - The number one book on cross-dressing! This is the first book on cross dressing written from the perspective of a wife. "Clothes don't make the man", has a new meaning. Dr. Rudd addresses many of the questions frequently asked by the spouses, families and friends of men who cross dress.

The Bliss of Becoming One by: Rachel Miller A newly published book written by a heterosexual, married cross dresser. Focuses on integrating "feminine" feelings into the male psyche and mainstreaming the gender community. Rachel Miller advocates cross dressers to join mainstream society.

 How to be a Woman Though Male by: Virginia Prince, Ph.D. A "how-to" discussion about changing one's gender from masculine to feminine for heterosexual men seeking to enter the fascinating world of femininity.

Understanding Cross Dressing by: Virginia Prince, Ph.D.  This book presents the views, observations, and outlook of Dr. Prince, and is intended to provide a path toward acceptance. A guide for cross-dressers seeking a deeper understanding of themselves and non-cross-dressers seeking a deeper understanding of a loved one.

Gender Blending by: Bonnie Bullough, Vern L. Bullough, & James Elias   An Up-to-date account of a growing trend.

Confessions of a Gender Blender by: Randi Ettner, Ph.D. A psychologist's reflections on life among the transgendered.

A Self-Made Man by: Paul Hewitt The diary of a man born in a woman's body. The ultimately happy story of an actual transgendered person.

Mom, I need to be a girl by: Just Evelyn A mother's story of love and support for her transsexual teenager.

 Fiction Titles

Cherry Single: A Transvestite Comes of Age by: Valory Gravois A realistic novel of a cross-dresser who finds himself/herself.

Cross dressers & Those Who Share Their Lives by: Dr. Peggy Rudd Fifty Pictures and numerous tree stories depict the transformation of men from the masculine to the feminine persona. Their stories provide an intimate view of their lives. Dr. Rudd carefully details strategies for coping, both for the cross dressers, and those who share their lives. Featured on the Leeza Show on NBC.

Cross dressing With Dignity: The Case for Transcending Gender Lines by: Peggy J. Rudd "Is society ready for men who openly express femininity? Can men transcend gender lines and maintain their sense of self-worth and dignity?." These are questions asked to over 800 cross dressers in the survey used as the basis of this book.

Transformations: Cross dressers & Those Who Love Them by: Mariette Pathy Allen This beautiful book brings the world of the cross dresser into the daylight of everyday life. Photographs and interviews depict the subjects alone and in relationships with wives, children, family members and friends.

Counseling in Genderland by: Niela Miller Niela Miller who has been working with cross gendered persons for many years as a humanistic counselor/educator. Counseling in Genderland is the first book written for counselors interested in working in the gender community and is very  valuable for anyone in the gender community.

Coping with Cross Dressing by: JoAnn Roberts Too often woman are expected to accept their partner's cross dressing without really understanding the behavior. JoAnn Roberts looks at cross dressing from both sides of the relationship and gives positive advice on how to cope. A serious book for couples struggling with cross dressing.

Transvestites: The Erotic Drive to Cross-Dress: Magnus Hirschfeld, M.D., translated by Michael A. Lombardi-Nash, Ph.D. 1991, Prometheus Books
424 Pages From the Cover-
Transvestites are women and men who feel reluctant and even refuse to dress in the clothing of their own sex. Indeed, for them the inherent drive to cross-dress is often more powerful than the sexual drive itself.
This complex phenomenon has usually been met with ignorance and prejudice. Most people have equated transvestites with female or male impersonators, and condemned them throughout history as berdaches, she-males, lesbians, hermaphrodites, androgynes, Urnings, and pederasts. Transvestites have been subjected not only to discrimination but also criminal prosecution for following what, for them, was an inborn inclination.

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Jenelle Rose

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   2/1/2001

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