Cross-Dressing Doesn't Have To Be A Problem
It Can Be An Opportunity

by Richard (Rachel) Miller

I use computer systems as a tool for solving business problems. For many years I had the good fortune to work for a man who believed in giving me an assignment and getting out of the way so I could do my job. He said that I should let him know if I ran into something I couldn't handle, and he would help resolve the issue. It was a tremendous growth experience to take on new challenges and not worry about someone looking over my shoulder. It was also comforting to know that Frank was there if I needed help.

Invariably something unexpected would occur and I would tell Frank that I had a problem. He would tell me that it wasn't a problem but an opportunity for improvement. I believed that I had a problem. Something wasn't working the way it should and I didn't know how to fix it. That qualified as a problem in my book. I was convinced that it was just a game of words to call problems opportunities.

He persisted in characterizing these situations as opportunities to create something new, something better than before. We would talk about what could be done to improve things and somehow seemed to arrive at a solution that was superior to what I had previously envisioned. For a long time I continued to attribute those improved results to his experience, ability and insight.

Instead of taking credit, Frank would ask what I had learned from the experience. Eventually I realized that it was the process that yielded the better answers. I discovered that viewing a situation as an opportunity rather than a problem created a different mind-set. By following his advice I actually saw things differently and thought about them differently. In time I came to understand the wisdom of seeing opportunities.

This story relates to cross-dressing because many couples have big issues and questions surrounding the subject and view it as a serious problem to be solved or avoided. For the most part, they don't see any good solutions -- only BIG PROBLEMS! I want to challenge you to think differently by viewing this situation as an opportunity for improvement. The experiential evidence that I have just described shows that a different approach can yield significantly improved results. Perhaps it's worthwhile to consider applying this approach to something that appears to be a problem in your life. The approach offers potential solutions and the only investment required is to take a few minutes to learn more about the idea. You have much to gain and little to lose so let's take a look...

As soon as a boy is born, his social conditioning begins. When a girl is born a similar social conditioning process teaches her a different set of behaviors. He is taught sports and how to compete and be self-reliant. She is taught homemaking and how to cooperate and please others.

He is taught to be strong -- when you fall down, don't cry. Boys don't cry. She is taught to be soft -- when someone falls down, console them, comfort them, make them feel better.

He is taught to suppress his emotions. Boys are not supposed to show anyone how they feel. Boys hide their true feelings. She is taught to express her emotions. Girls are expected to be emotional because it is considered part of their nature.

He is taught that this is the masculine gender role. This is the way boys act -- the only way boys act. This is the way boys become men. Similarly, she is taught that this is the feminine gender role. It is the way girls act -- the only way for girls to act. It is the way they learn to take the appropriate position for a woman in the world.

The only thing wrong with this conditioning process is that most of us don't fit our prescribed roles very well. Many of us want something different but society is reluctant to make provisions for our tailored view. If the mismatch between what we want and society expects is minor, the person may cope reasonably well. If the mismatch is major, the person may experience severe emotional trauma.

For cross-dressers, a major mismatch is standard issue. The typical cross-dresser tends to be more in touch with his emotions so society labels him a cry-baby. Remember, men aren't supposed to cry or show how they feel.

He feels more compassionate and gentle so society labels him a wimp. Remember, men are supposed to be strong and ruthless. They aren't supposed to be concerned with others -- just get what they want.

He wants to cooperate more and compete less so society labels him a sissy. Men are supposed to be highly competitive. As Vince Lombardi is frequently misquoted, "Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing!"

Worse yet, the cross-dresser is attracted to softer clothing so society labels him a homosexual. A real man knows who wears the pants and wears them. If he wants to wear a dress, he can't possibly be a real man. He must be a gay. Most times people aren't that polite in their use of terminology.

Cry-baby. Wimp. Sissy. Homosexual. It doesn't take long for even the thickest-headed among us to understand that the way we feel and what we are attracted to is unacceptable. Yet we cannot deny who we are. The resulting conflict between our true selves and the dictates of society induces tremendous emotional stress and considerable pain. A cross-dresser's partner seldom is aware of the incredible pain endured by the person they love. He hides his true feelings from a world he is convinced will never understand. Those who love him have no idea what is happening. It is an intolerable situation.

Have you ever considered what makes these traits so wrong? What is wrong with a man expressing his feelings? With being compassionate and gentle? With acting in a spirit of cooperation rather than constantly competing with those around him? And what is wrong with a man wearing softer clothing as a reflection of how he sees himself? All we are doing is reflecting some of the behaviors that are generally associated with our wives and lovers. If that is so bad or wrong for men, what makes it not only acceptable but expected from women? What makes such behavior good for women but bad for men? Reflecting on those questions can lead to some interesting and different ideas.

The truth is that there isn't anything inherently wrong with any of those things, including cross-dressing. Society has made them wrong through arbitrary rules. It is the rigid application of these arbitrary rules that is actually the cause of most of the emotional problems existent in cross-dressers. Once we can become free from those prejudicial views, the society-induced problems will begin to disappear.

The truth is, a man can show his feelings. Men have feelings that have been systematically suppressed because they have been taught that is the manly thing to do. But the act of suppressing their emotions makes them hard and cold on the outside and empty on the inside. That action is harmful to their healthy development. He can be compassionate and gentle, yet remain strong. I seem to recall a Biblical character who was incredibly soft in his dealings with people and no one ever called him weak. A man can take the best of what the world calls feminine and include it in his life while still remaining a man. He can show his feelings, be compassionate and gentle and be strong. He can have it all and the woman who helps him have it all, can enjoy it all too!

Rather than being viewed as a problem, cross-dressing can be viewed as an opportunity to allow men to express their true selves by being softer, gentler and more compassionate. As we learn to express our needs and feelings, we are able to understand our wives and lovers better. That process, although difficult, can create superior relationships that greatly benefit both parties. To yield positive results, that process also needs to be a joint venture of the partners. Neither can do it alone.

My wife Marsha and I are working together to have it all and each of us had big jobs. She had to understand that cross-dressing is an integral part of my total personality and needs expression. She had to understand that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with those tendencies even though they are not generally accepted by society. Had she tried to fight it and cause it to go away, our relationship would have ended in failure. I couldn't put away my cross-dressing because it would cause me to stop being the person Marsha married, and she liked the total package. Acceptance of the continuing existence of cross-dressing is essential for successful resolution. There isn't another option other than personal repression. Repression of ones self can never lead to happiness.

I had to understand and accept myself as I am, not as society expected me to be. I had attempted to deny, hide and control this part of me for 50 years and was totally unsuccessful. I needed help from someone who understood the phenomenon better than I and received the counseling I needed from extensive correspondence with other cross-dressers. Other people have found qualified therapists who were very helpful. The man has to understand and accept how this facet of himself fits into his total view of self. It is an incredibly difficult process but equally essential to successful resolution.

My revelation of cross-dressing caused great anxiety for Marsha. It was an enormous change with uncertain consequences. Having experienced great personal trauma didn't give me the right to start dictating how to deal with the issue, but I did discover that by making some basic commitments, I was able to relieve much of Marsha's stress while being able to move forward on resolving the issue for myself.

I committed to remain her husband, not to become her girl friend. She was very willing to experiment with cross-dressing but she already had enough girl friends and only one husband. She wasn't willing to trade her only husband for another girl friend. We do many things together when I am dressed as Rachel, but in the greater scheme of things, Richard remains her husband no matter how he is dressed.

I committed not to jeopardize our current life style in order to indulge my gender desires so we discuss and agree on the timing and approach before taking any gender-related steps. We have spent years building jobs, relationships and a life style and it would be foolish for me to unnecessarily risk losing all of that to indulge a fantasy. We follow the best advice any of my correspondents gave me -- take many small, reversible steps. It often seems that we are moving slowly but when I look back I realize how far we have come.

I committed to balance my needs and desires with Marsha's. Balance may be the most powerful single word to keep in mind during this process. There is no road map that says this is the exactly right choice. Each choice needs to be made in the context of your total relationship and all present conditions. It requires open discussion to arrive at the best solution for both parties. That can only happen if each partner is willing to balance their wants, needs and desires with those of their partner. If the man refuses to make some commitments to reflect the woman's situation, then she has to begin asking some hard questions such as what's in this relationship for me? If the cross-dresser is meeting his needs at the expense of his partner, the process will fail.

Every couple involved in the cross-dressing issue is embarked on a similarly challenging, never-ending journey. Through your membership in S.P.I.C.E. you have demonstrated your desire to resolve the issue. That desire is the basic requirement for success. Other key ingredients to making it a successful journey include starting with a mutually committed loving relationship. Both partners must want the relationship to work. The process requires making many tough choices that require consideration of the other person's happiness. If the mutual commitment is missing, it is unlikely the right decisions will be made. Each partner will protect their personal interests and the process will break down into an adversarial relationship similar to many union/management negotiations. That won't build the desired intimate relationship. If both partners apply the Golden Rule to each step and consider how they would like to be treated if on the other side of the table, the likelihood of a positive resolution is greatly increased.

Perhaps the most difficult part of the process is the need to continuously communicate, communicate and communicate... There are many serious issues that require extensive dialog because they are in opposition to much of what we've been taught throughout our lives. Unlearning old patterns and replacing them with new ones is not subject to a quick fix approach. It takes lots of talking and even more listening to work through the issues. Marsha and I had the benefit of starting as good friends who talked about things. That habit made it easier but it didn't make it easy. It is time consuming difficult work but the results are magnificent.

Marsha and I haven't done anything that you can't do. Every couple can do it. If you seek a fulfilling relationship for yourself and your partner... If you seek happiness for yourself and your partner... Then you don't have a problem but an incredible opportunity to build the intimate relationship that most people can only dream of. The opportunity to create that relationship is in your hands. Seize the day! Seize the opportunity!

Click here for the next article.