Let's Talk With
Marsha & Richard (Rachel) Miller

The Sweetheart Connection
Winter 1997

Richard and I are grateful to Onnalee for the opportunity to share some thoughts with you in a regular column. Whatever expertise we have comes from practical, real-life experiences, not from scholarly pursuits or technically-correct, scientific research. We plan to discuss issues we have faced that are similar to those many of you have faced or are facing. We will describe what has worked for us and what hasn't. We know that there are no black and white answers and that each situation is unique so you will have to decide how our experiences apply to you.

You should know something about us so you can better assess what we have to say. This is a second marriage for each of us. We have been married over twelve years and from the very beginning, communication was a major strength in our relationship. We started by becoming very good friends and learned to talk about all kinds of issues. We particularly enjoyed talking about the so-called taboo subjects like money, sex, politics and religion. We discovered that there was much value in discussing difficult topics rather than avoiding them. Our discussions were even positive when we disagreed about the topic because we always respected the other's opinion and tried to understand the other point of view rather than trying to force ours. Over the years we have both learned a lot and altered some of our previous positions.

We ended up falling in love even though I initially had no interest in getting serious. Richard was somehow different from most other men. He was kind and sweet and showed his emotions. He was gentle and romantic and won my heart with his poetry. He seemed to be genuinely happy, and I never guessed his secret that was causing him so much internal turmoil.

We were married for several years when he first told me about his cross-dressing. I was upset and angry. We had talked about so many things, how could he not tell me about something so important. My first thought was, "What else was he hiding?" After considerable discussion he convinced me that I should be pleased that he had told me about the biggest secret of his life. He had never told anyone else and he loved and trusted me enough that he felt safe sharing this momentous news. I began to understand that his eventual telling reflected a major strength in our relationship, not a weakness.

Richard struggled with many questions about his cross-dressing and feelings and what they meant. We had endless discussions about these subjects and finally began to find some answers. I suggested that he record his thoughts and feelings because they might be helpful to others. It turned out to be prophetic because the notes lead to his book, "The Bliss of Becoming One," writing magazine articles, speaking at gender community events and on college campuses and now to this column.

Some of the key things we have learned and will be discussing in greater detail in the future include:

• Unless you start with a mutually committed loving relationship, it is unlikely that a couple will be able to resolve the cross-dressing issue. Cross-dressing is a perfect excuse to scuttle a relationship that is already in trouble.
• Cross-dressing needs to be handled like any other important marital issue. If it becomes the only or primary issue of a relationship, a balanced perspective is lost. It is one facet of the relationship and an important one, but it is still only one.
• If both partners apply the Golden Rule to each step and consider how they would like to be treated if on the other side of the table, the likelihood of a positive resolution is greatly increased.
• Both partners must understand and accept that cross-dressing is an integral part of his total personality and needs expression.
• Both partners must understand that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with those tendencies even though they are not generally accepted by society.
• The cross-dresser must recognize that this revelation is a traumatic experience for his partner and make some commitments to alleviate her fears, enhance her feeling of security and build trust. Some that have worked particularly well for us are that Richard committed to:
  • Remain my husband, not to become my girl friend
  • Not jeopardize our current life style in order to indulge his gender desires
  • Discuss and agree on the timing and approach before taking any gender-related steps
  • Balance my needs and desires with his

We are in the never-ending process of successfully integrating Richard's cross-dressing into our lives rather than making it a separate thing that he does on his own. I don't simply tolerate it but accept it and work to keep it in balance with the rest of our life.

The best advice we have received was to take many small reversible steps. The worst advice was to never tell anyone. The thing that has helped us the most over the last six years is that we communicate, communicate and communicate.

That is a basic overview of who we are and where we intend to go in subsequent columns. We look forward to our future interactions. Please feel free to share your views through this newsletter or directly with us.

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