Let's Talk About --
Committed Relationships

Marsha & Richard (Rachel) Miller

The Sweetheart Connection
Spring 1998

Our early experiences in the gender community were designed to let Rachel spread her newly found wings. We discovered many ways to incorporate her "flying lessons" into our daily routine. These lessons helped to reduce the intense need to cross-dress that Richard had been experiencing before he told me about it. While the intensity has gradually subsided, I have come to realize that the desire to cross-dress would always be a part of Richard and hence of our lives together. Now that the issue is in the open, that can happen at a much more manageable level.

While helping Rachel to grow, we were unexpectedly drawn into sharing our experiences with other couples to help them work through similar cross-dressing issues. We felt reasonably well equipped to help because we have had many positive experiences in dealing with these issues in our own lives. As we talked with other couples, we were surprised to discover that while cross-dressing is generally presented as THE PROBLEM, there are frequently much more fundamental issues at work. This situation was clearly demonstrated at a conference we attended a few years ago when a lovely couple, Barbara and George, sought advice on how to handle their situation.

I was speaking with Barbara who was in a long term live-in relationship with George although they had no marriage plans. She said he was very comfortable with his feminine side and was extremely open about displaying it within their community where he was well known. He was so comfortable that he wanted to be "en femme" full time. She was having difficulty with the rapid growth of his coming out of the closet and wanted him to slow down. He had refused to discuss the matter, and she didn't know how to get him to do so. She wanted them to get counseling from a local therapist who was experienced with gender questions.

Meanwhile, the two guys were having a similarly intense conversation. Richard was aware of Barbara's concerns and related them to George. He suggested talking with Barbara about the issues if George wanted to salvage the relationship. George's response unveiled the underlying problem, "But I'm not sure if I want the relationship!"

No wonder they couldn't work things out. George knew he wanted to openly cross-dress. For reasons quite separate from that, he didn't know if he wanted to continue being with Barbara. In his mind the solution was a classic no-brainer -- pursue the cross-dressing full speed ahead, ignore the other issues and don't slow down to discuss any of it with anyone especially not Barbara.

Barbara knew she wanted the relationship. She knew cross-dressing was an integral part of George. She didn't want to stop it but did want a voice in its speed and direction. She thought this was their major problem and had assumed that he wanted the relationship. Richard and I had assumed that as well. We were all wrong.

There is an assumption in our community that cross-dressing is the only real issue and we seldom look beyond that seemingly obvious fact. In reality the true issues might extend much deeper. If a relationship is in trouble, cross-dressing is a great excuse to scuttle the sinking ship and it can go down as fast as the Titanic. While it is difficult, an important step is to take a critical view of the relationship itself. Try to set aside the cross-dressing issue for the moment and ask yourself if you have a solid foundation. Are there other important issues that haven't been resolved? Are you working on them together? Can you talk to each other about them? Do you need a professional therapist?

This is check point #1 on the long road towards mutual acceptance. How sound is the structure of your lives together? If you determine that the foundation is solid, you can move safely forward to deal with cross-dressing and know that you have something to build on. If the foundation shows cracks and fissures, you need to undertake structural repairs first. We all like to move on quickly and get to the bottom line but that isn't possible until the basics are addressed. Get whatever help you need to resolve the basic issues because any shortcuts here will undermine all your other efforts.

Richard and I were talkers and more importantly listeners from the very beginning. We were friends long before we became romantically involved. That willingness to discuss issues is one of the most enduring and stabilizing parts of our marriage. It carries us through the difficult times that are part of everyone's life. We still talk regularly and schedule a breakfast out at a nice restaurant each month to discuss issues. Cross-dressing is only one of the many things discussed at these sessions. We also schedule a date each month without any friends or relatives so we can have time by ourselves. The need to talk about issues and work on our relationship never ends but the effort yields great rewards.

It takes time and commitment but we all have the skills needed to create a strong foundation and then build upon it. It's our choice. It's your choice too.