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Spicing up marriage
Why do Romeos turn into couch potatoes after marriage? Why do women seem to suddenly turn off? Readers ask those questions more than any others. Consider these two letters:
Dear Doc,
Why aren't men more romantic after they get married? My ex-husband told me, “I’m not one of those men on the soap operas,” and then he wondered why he didn't get any nookie.
Dear Doc,
Why do women stop wanting sex after they get married? I don’t understand how
women can go so long without it. Is twice a week too much to ask?
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Placed together, these two letters actually contain reciprocal answers.
Married men don’t get enough sex because their wives don’t get enough
romance. Married women don’t get romanced because their husbands don’t get
laid. The extent of a man’s desire to please his wife is often directly
proportional to the frequency with which his knob gets polished. And a
woman’s motivation to take out the Pledge is based on her husband’s
willingness to pluck the strings of her heart.
These conflicting realities can produce either an impasse or a golden
opportunity for couples. Men and women can complain and blame their partners
for their lack of satisfaction or they can think more generously about their
loved one’s desires. For women, this usually means graciously initiating
uncomplicated sex now and then, just for the sake of making their honey
happy. For men, it means making a practice of hiring a babysitter, taking
their sweetheart out for a romantic dinner, and bringing flowers home for no
discernible reason. It also means acquainting themselves with the
operational nature of the clitoris and G-spot, and the female definition of
the term “slow.”
Granted, after months of sexual or romantic neglect, it’s easier to sink into
feeling like a martyr and acting like a mule. But consider that the term
“making love” contains two words. Guess what happens if we allow our
actions to flow from the second word and invest our energies in being Givers
and Doers rather than Withholders and Wait ’n’ Seers? In my experience, we
receive a lightning rate of return on our investments.
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Rape victim falls for married guy
Dear Doc,
I am 24 now. I was raped at college when I was still a virgin and it was, of
course, traumatic. Two and a half years ago, I met a man online and I have
fallen in love, but he is married. I think I trust this man enough to have
a sexual relationship (which he has not pushed at all) because I feel that if
I can be with him, I can feel normal and then move on. He is patient, kind
and very loving towards me. He has no plans to leave his wife and I don't
expect him to. Please advise me.
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Dear Reader,
Dearest girl, I believe you still have much healing to do in the wake of your
rape. I suspect you originally became involved with a married man online
because he was safe, and from a distance could not threaten you with sexual
demands. Now you are ready to explore your own sexuality, yet you have
chosen a questionable partner with whom there exists a risk of feeling raped
again — at least in an emotional sense.
Your online lover may be a kind, generous person in many ways, but do not lose sight of the fact that he is a betrayer of women. He betrays his wife with every e-mail he sends to you, and should he make love to you, he would be further betraying and violating his commitment to her. Whom would he most likely betray next?
After the violence you’ve suffered, regaining your sense of power in the
world is at the crux of your healing. You will feel more empowered when you
realize that you’re entitled to intimacy with a man whose trustworthiness is
impeccable, not situational. You will own your power when you select a
sexual partner who is available to you without equivocation.
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Talking back to Dr. Joy
Dear Doc,
I take offense at your answer to the woman who thought her co-worker might be
a cross-dresser. You implied she should tend to her own “kink” before
questioning her co-worker about his. Cross-dressing and other forms of
transgendered expression are not about kinky sex or even sexuality in general. They are about gender identity.
I am a transgendered person who spends a lot of time as a woman, although I
was born with, and still have, male physical characteristics. Being female
is the gender my heart and spirit readily identify with, and it is only
natural for me to express that identity outwardly.
Transgendered people are one of the last minorities that it's still socially
OK to ridicule and discriminate against. I think you owe your questioner a
more enlightened answer, and transgendered people of the world, especially
the cross-dressers, an apology.
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Dear Reader,
When I received more than one letter similar to the above, I felt the issue of
transgenderism needed to be addressed seriously. I passionately agree that
any public confusion between sexual behavior or preferences and gender
identity needs to be cleared up, as does any unintended slight to
transgendered people.
For the record, some men do cross-dress on occasion for primarily erotic,
fetish-oriented purposes (and, by the way, there is nothing “wrong” with
this, nor is “kinky” a pejorative word in my vocabulary). However, many — if
not most — individuals who cross-dress do so because they hunger to express an
integral, primary aspect of themselves: their gender orientation. Gender is
not a matter of sexuality or erotic focus. It is perhaps the most basic
building block of identity, one that most of us are privileged to be able to
take for granted.
In my work, I’ve learned about the confusion and heartache a person
experiences when faced with a mirror image that does not reflect his or her
inner experience. Through transgendered people I count among my friends, I
have come to understand the complexities and courage involved in a lifetime
of reconciling one’s inner and outer selves. Transgendered men and women must find healthy avenues of expression. They may eventually opt for changing
their body using hormones and/or surgery, or pursue other solutions such as
cross-dressing. (More information about gender diversity is available through
the International Foundation for Gender Education.)
In the spirit of the new century, I’d like to invite all readers of all sexual and gender orientations to celebrate the remarkable diversity and beauty of our humanity. Let’s reach toward understanding each other without limitation and acceptance of one another without judgment.
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Dr. Joy Davidson
is a well-known psychotherapist specializing in couples'
issues, women's issues and sexuality. Not only did she help create the home
video series, Secrets of Making Love to the Same Person Forever, but she
also wrote THE SOAP OPERA SYNDROME: The Drive for Drama and Excitement in
Women's Lives. Dr. Davidson appears frequently on television and radio
and in national magazines. She lives in Seattle and works as a
psychotherapist in private practice.
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Also on UnderWire:
Why women are bored in bed
Five ways to win the game of love
Get romance fixes on the Relationships bulletin board
Catch more of Dr. Joy’s sexy advice
here
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Illustration by Martha Gradisher
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