Tau Gamma Chapter of Tri-Ess

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining
written by Linda

As we stood under the Chuppa, 25 years ago, I knew, in the back of my mind, that we were marrying for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. My husband, a young, handsome naval officer, stepped on the traditional glass and everyone wished us Mazel Tov.

Lets fast forward 25 years. We had been blessed, with two lovely daughters, who I might add graduated in the top ten percent of their high school class. We lived in a nice five bedroom colonial home in a better than average neighborhood, we were, on the surface, the picture of the nice, happy couple. In reality, I was a victim of spousal abuse. This abuse was not a sudden thing, but a gradual process over 25 years. I had permitted it to happen because of my passive nature. The abuse started with little things like being jumped on for not putting something away in the kitchen, to being yelled at if I didn't speak in the proper tone to my husband.

It got to the point that in our 24th year of marriage, I had decided to get a job that required me to work in the evenings and on weekends. This way, I could be busy and not have to put up with the constant fact that I was either yelled at or being jumped at for the silliest of reasons. I found that I liked doing phone surveys. I talked to some really interesting people and in the process, I learned a lot about different industries and businesses. This heighten my interest in the stock market. Quietly, behind my husband's back, I had started to invest in the stock market. I was afraid if I had told him he would yell at me!

As the weekend of our 25th anniversary approached, our daughters came down with their boyfriends and surprised us by sponsoring a beautiful Oneg Shabbot at our synagogue. The sad thing was that they were supposed to bring my mother-in-law down with them. This did not happen because on Thursday, the night before, my mother-in-law had suffered a TIA, a mini-stroke, while having her hair washed in the beauty parlor. On Friday, she had spoken without any problems, but on Saturday, it had become apparent that she was in the process of having a very bad, cerebral vascular accident, or stroke.

This situation necessitated that my husband drive up to Baltimore early Saturday morning. The girls, their boyfriends and I followed, later in the day. I stayed in Baltimore for two weeks, watching my mother-in-law lay in bed everyday in the hospital. My husband had to go back to work after a week, but from the middle of March until the middle of October began a ritual of leaving on Thursday morning and coming back on Sunday morning. Like the cliché goes, with every cloud there is a silver lining. Well, this tragedy proved to be the silver lining that saved our marriage.

While we were away from each other, we were both able to explore our feelings for each other plus we each had a chance of freedom to explore ourselves and who we really where. I also enjoyed the fact that I didn't have to put up with his verbal abuse. It was such a relaxed atmosphere that I truly enjoyed it. I couldn't wait until he left for Baltimore on Thursdays and dreaded when he came back on Sundays!

For my husband, being alone in his Mother's apartment at night, by himself, he was able to reflect on who he really was. Slowly he realized that the Robyn part of his personality needed to come out, he felt like he could not hold it in anymore. As Robyn, she was more relaxed with herself. She would dress every night when she came home from the hospital and felt more complete than she had ever felt in her whole life. She dreaded when he had to drive home dressed as a male.

Robyn had fun up in Baltimore buying clothes, make-up, and wigs for herself. Meanwhile, Linda, at home, was totally clueless as to what was going on. I did notice a slight change in my husband's behavior towards me, he was more gentle, patient and loving and, clueless as I was, I could not figure out why.

The week before we were to move mother-in-law's lifetime of accumulation out of her apartment, we took the leisurely trip up to Baltimore. Somewhere near Potomac Mills Shopping Center, my husband finally got up the nerve to tell me about Robyn. I kissed him in the car and told him that I still loved him with both sides of his personality. I did tell him that I was disappointed that he didn't tell me sooner in our marriage. It would have saved a lot of stress and heartache!

That night, he asked me if he could dress as Robyn, I said of course. When Robyn came out of her Mother's bedroom, seeing her dressed in her beautiful pants outfit, an excitement went up my spine. I took her in my arms and gently kissed her. We made love than night like no other time in our married life; with excitement and vigor of two young kids, not middle aged parents!

I am so glad that Robyn is a part of our marriage now. Not only are we more open and loving with each other, most important of all, we are truly honest with each other. That secret had caused a major rift in our marriage, it had caused my husband to be an abuser because he could not handle keeping his little secret inside him for so long. Now that Robyn is a part of our lives, I find myself living with a kinder, more gentle person. Little things don't bother my husband as they use to. The abuse has literally stopped. Yes, with a behind every cloud there is definitely a silver lining. This cloud had brought Robyn into my life and I will be eternally grateful for the rest of my life.

There are areas where our life has changed. Whereas shopping used to be just me by my lonesome in pursuit of the right outfit to buy, I find that I truly enjoy going with my husband, especially when he is in his feminine mood. His patience level has definitely increased due to his increased interest in pursuit of feminine clothing. I feel as if I have gained a girlfriend. It is also very nice to see Robyn put on her make up, wigs, do her nails and get dressed. She is truly like a teenager when I see her excitement as she embarks on her special adventure to be a beautiful girl, named Robyn, for her wife.

There are times when the past 25 years of abuse takes over in my mind, when I am afraid of Robyn. This I am hoping will subdue as time goes on. It is something that one can't get out of their mind overnight. Robyn constantly reminds me that I have to let go of the past; this is truly hard to do when one becomes conditioned to living in an abusive environment. I am also hoping that my self esteem will pick up now that I am living with a different person.

We are now in a support group that meets once a month in the Raleigh area. From going to just two meetings, I have met other wives and significant others, who are experiencing the same feelings and reactions to living and loving a crossdresser as I have. It is a wonderful feeling to be with people, both men, and women who are having the same life style situations as I am experiencing. I am hoping that time will make us all one close group. It has been great discussing our unique life styles and the problems and situations we have faced in a safe and nonjudgemental environment.

I am truly trying to understand the torment that Robyn has gone through these past 41 years (25 with me), always sneaking around, trying not to get caught and just living a plain lie. Because of the fear of having his little secret discovered and of the fear of me leaving him. Time will make our lives much more enriched as we learn to understand each of our fears and apprehensions. Yes, there will be some reversion to past, unhealthy behavior, but time should make this behavior less frequent. No one has ever said that life is perfect and we all must extentuate the positive in all situations. When our daughter stands under the chuppa to get married this summer, I will truly reflect what good has been in our lives during the past 26 years.