Spouses, Wives, Lovers and Special Friends

By Debbie and Deborah Hahn

First, Debbie:

I correspond a great deal, writing to and receiving letters from 15 - 25 pen gals during a month. Most of them are sisters emerging from the closet. We discuss any topic on their mind, so there is a great variety of questions, but the most frequently asked questions are: "How do you find a supportive wife?" "How do you bring up the topic of crossdressing to a friend or spouse?" "How did you ever find Deborah?"

During the last month, there were several incidents and letters that compelled me to write my thoughts on this topic. First, let me say I'm no expert, I'm not a therapist, and I'm not trained in facilitating personal relationships. But I have lived through a hellish divorce. I've told three woman of my passion for dressing, and I am a student of psychology. So, take my thoughts for what they are . . . my thoughts.

My first rule of thumb is: everyone is different. This concept sounds simple enough, and it is certainly not new, but somehow many people forget it and try to lump transgendered people and their significant others into groups. Each spouse must be treated individually. Let her set the pace -- don't rush her. Let her meet you enfemme when she is ready. It was almost six months after I told Deborah about Debbie that she was ready to see me dressed. Even then, I gave her the choice: "Do you want to watch me transform or do you want to see Debbie after I transform?" Let her decide. My point is go slowly and let your wife or friend determine the pace.

"How do you tell her?" "When do you tell her?" "What do you tell her?" There is no magic secret, but be sensitive and put it in a positive light. Don't tell her "I have a problem we need to discuss." Rather use, "I'd like to share something with you that I haven't shared with anyone else." I know it sounds somewhat corny, so choose the words you're most comfortable with, but be positive. How do you expect your wife to accept your crossdressing if you tell her it's a problem? I can attest from experience, if you tell her it's a problem, she will believe it's a problem.

Another important aspect is that you should be knowledgeable. Read several books and articles on transgendered topics and be prepared to answer her questions. Sit down in advance and write down the questions you think she'll ask; then be prepared to answer those questions. In fact, encourage her to ask you questions. Don't let the talk shows be her source of information. I don't know about you, but many of the queens on the talk show circuit don't represent my thoughts and ideas. Get her a copy of Dr. Peggy Rudd's book My Husband Wears My Clothes or one of the other good books on transgenderism. Again, encourage her to read and ask questions. When she is asking questions, she's at least talking and communicating.

"When do you tell her?" Tell her when you have time to sit with her, time to answer her questions, time to reassure her. Make sure she's relaxed. But most of all, tell her when you're ready and when she's ready. If she's watched a Sally Jessy Show on TV and they were outrageous, and she thinks they're strange ... it may not be a good time. If she just had a fight with her mother ... it may not be a good time. Select an quiet evening, cook her dinner, buy her flowers. . . set the stage. Tell her how much she means to you and that you want to share something very special with her.

Then, tell her. Explain to her how you feel. Share yourself with her - be honest. If she asks "Are you a transsexual?" and the answer is "Yes" ... tell her "Yes." If you don't know ... tell her you don't know. If there is one lesson I've learned, it's that if you're going to come clean - come clean . . . be honest.
I do ask you to be sensitive, caring and loving. Let your feminine side do the talking and thinking. Remember, this impacts her life as much as it impacts yours. It is my belief that most women aren't actively looking for a man who wears a dress, but many women will allow the man they love to wear a dress. Your spouse loves you for "who you are," and part of "who you are" is a direct result of your feminine side. I don't know if you're "who you are" because you wear a dress or you wear a dress because of "who you are." But in any case, your crossdressing is part of "who you are."

One last thought: don't let anyone convince you to do something you're uncomfortable doing. Don't let a well meaning care giver or friend push you or your spouse into walking before you're ready to crawl. Many, many therapists and marriage counselors really don't understand transgendered issues. Their only experience is what they've read in books. It was only four short years ago that a therapist convinced my first wife that he could cure me with electro-shock therapy. She applied a great deal of pressure: "If you really love me, you'll get the therapy and get cured." I came very close to going.

I tell that story only to reinforce the point. Unless you select a therapist with transgendered experience, you're likely to be the care giver's first patient. In that case, you probably know more than the therapist. I caution you, go slowly and carefully. It is hard enough working through transgendered issues without dealing with an inexperienced therapist unintentionally guiding you down the primrose path.

(Turn the page to hear from Debbie's wife Deborah.)

Now, Deborah's turn:

I am married. Sometimes I look at my spouse and say, "How beautiful you look tonight!" or "That dress is so lovely on you!" Other times, as I shop, I make a quick mental note when I spot an outfit or accessory that would be perfect . . . for my husband!

But wait, how can I say this about my husband? Never in my life did I ever think that I would be saying such things about my husband. He is my lover, my partner, my best friend. He is also a crossdresser.

Whether you are a crossdresser faced with the need or desire to tell your significant other about your passion, or a spouse who has just learned of your partner's interest in crossdressing, my thoughts are with you. I am past the disclosure stage, and can barely remember it. But I do want to stress that my love told me in the best possible way: he was sharing and not declaring. Newsletters and books were available to help answer my questions. Arms were around me, reassurring me. Time was provided to let me absorb it all. And answers were given honestly and sincerely.

There are other ways he could have told me. And there could have been other endings to our story. But I think that he did everything with a great deal of sensitivity. I am thankful that he did not just introduce me to her without advance preparation. Thank goodness the books and articles were available immediately after he told me! And most of all, he could answer all my questions without hesitation, as if he knew in advance what I was going to ask. I made the choice to watch him make the change to Debbie. I wasn't sure if that was the best choice at the time, but by the end of evening I knew it was the BEST WAY FOR ME. Perhaps others would not make this choice, but it helped me to see this as a gradual transformation. Many crossdressers have asked me "How did you feel when you found out?" Again, because of the education he provided and the care he took in telling me, I felt closer to him, and honored that he trusted me enough. But I want to emphasize that he told me early in our relationship! If I had learned this after months or years, I may not have reacted as positively. Learning later would have generated some feelings of mistrust, and I know it would have been more difficult to accept.

It is very important to me that he invested so much time and effort in sharing this with me. It was obviously not a casual conversation, but there was no air of distress or negativity either.

The fact remains, he is my love. All parts of him; L.L. Bean or Victoria's Secret. Dockers or dresses. Sneakers or pumps. I only know I love him for all he is.