OB1 COLUMN
FOR GENETIC GIRLS BY GENETIC GIRLS

Hello all! It's me Kath again. Since Melissa and I have been receiving the inquiries for prospective new members for the last few months I have been noticing a common theme among husbands questions and comments, It seems after the wife has been told "the secret", the communications come to an abrupt halt. Both parties concerned are in pain and confusion, due to the husbands need for acceptance and the wife's need for understanding. I want to share my thoughts on those early days to help you understand your wife better. Now mind you, these are my personal opinions and you may disagree but I wanted to give you a wife's perspective.

In the Food for Thought section I have given the definitions of secret and burden. Please read them first. Up front I want to tell you the word burden is not in any way a derogatory or demeaning word. I shared my thoughts below with a CD at the breakfast last week and I felt he took offense to the word. It is not my intension to hurt you fellows, I just want to help you understand your wife so you can regain harmony in your life through being loving and patient with her.

Think back to when you were a child, pre-teen or whenever it was you started to cross dress. You know better than anyone the lengths you went to, to keep it a secret (concealed, hidden). You didn't understand nor could explain to yourself why you enjoyed it, you only knew how much you did enjoy it. But also, somehow you knew you couldn't share this anyone. Not that it was bad or wrong, only that somehow you knew it was not the acceptable "norm". So you carried this knowledge, keeping it to yourself. Not daring to share this part of yourself with anyone for fear of exposure resulting in rejection. Some of you even went to the extreme of making yourself appear even more masculine as you got older, you know, played the tough guy or excelled at sports, some even joined the military, or played the macho man. The point of this is to remind you that you carried this alone for many years. It was difficult for you to bear this. It did weigh heavily on you. You had lots of time to think about it, explore it mentally, try to figure out why you had this need, and finally come to a place of self-acceptance. All the while, you carried it alone.

Now the next stage of your life happens. You meet the person you want to share the rest of your life with. You fall hopelessly and helplessly in love. Yes, like most women, I am a romantic. So here you have made a decision to ask this person to spend their life with you; grow old together, share sunsets and sunrises, hope to be blessed to raise a family, share in the joys and pains of marriage. But.....out of fear of possibly losing this person you continue to keep your secret concealed and carry your burden alone.

At long last,you decide it's time to fess up. You feel your love is strong enough that she'll understand. You trust her to accept this about yourself knowing it may get a little rocky, but you have faith she'll come around in time, maybe not immediately but eventually, You finally expose your innermost secret and unload your burden. The majority of wives are so in the dark about this second self you have hidden from us.

"Oh my God!!" We are shell shocked. You've literally dropped a bomb on us. Never in our wildest dreams did we image such a thing. What is he really trying to tell me? What else has he NOT told me? What would my friends or family do or say if they knew? He could lose his job. I can't tell anyone. What will they think of ME? This is bad, maybe he's gay, why else would he want to dress up and look pretty except to attract a man? Maybe I've failed him as a woman. Is this the end of our marriage. How could he do this to US? We feel confused, hurt, deceived, somehow guilty, angry, ashamed, and a whole host of other things. The point here is we now carry the burden, we are in mental overload and it is difficult to bear. You have just passed it off to us. You are finally feeling relieved. It's off your chest. You've finally been totally honest with us and bared your soul. We now have to deal with it. It's become "our secret". It is knowledge that oppresses us. We now have the burden. But.... you say WE can share it, you don't have to carry it alone, I'm here. And we are thinking, no thanks, you are the one who dumped this on me. Can't you just stop we wonder. Can we get through this? Do we want to get through this or just call it quits? The thing is, yes we need to work together to get through this. It takes a long time. We learn this is a part of you and you truly can't stop. You might be able to for a while but you are not happy, and you are thinking of it. It will cause it's own underlying destruction if suppressed.

So, what I want to share with you is please be patient, loving, kind, make concessions and have information available for us. Give us some space. You've had 20 or so years to adjust to this mentally and emotionally. Don't expect us to be won over in a week. We have a lot to work out ourselves. You need to help us work through this but don't push. It's not the end of the world. But it its the end of a part of our world. We think we've lost our man. Guide us through this, let us know what you are feeling and hear what we are saying. Be patient and loving, things will work out.

There are several women in Sigma Rho Delta that would be happy to share coping skills with other wives. Email, or write us, we will arrange a call. It's something to think about.

Until next time, Sincerely, Kath