Transition Diary
I live and work as a woman. My job description is that of a Help Desk Specialist and PC Tech. I don’t usually stay in one place too long, that’s the nature of the job but I am currently on a long term assignment.
I do a lot of work for myself-consulting, building of PC’s or repair, web design, freelance makeup, writing and publishing, whatever comes along. I do complete makeovers for TG’s as well as female models and actresses. I have been on hormones for 3 years. I take daily dosages of 200 mg Spiro and 100mg of Progesterone and twice weekly rotate two Vivelle Dots on my abdomen for the Estrogen. I have developed totally natural-looking B-cup breasts that are still growing; to the point of a 1/4" in the first 6 weeks of adding the Progesterone and another 1/4" in the just another 4 weeks. I am exactly between a B and C cup as of the beginning of February, 2006.
As for "The" surgery, it is on the horizon but I am in no hurry. I figure it to be in about two years. I want to meet with three surgeons in person: Bowers, Meltzer and Brassard. I want my genitals to be exactly like a woman’s, not a mod like I have heard Meltzer can do for “better friction” but that women can tell is different. I do see myself as a woman but I am living a good life now. I would also like to get some minor FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery) done at some point, maybe in the brow area and trachea but both are minor. One big issue of course in all of this is money to pay for it which I don't have. It takes about $20,000 just for SRS.
Of course this page will grow into a major section. I will add much more information and it truly will become a diary going back to when I started my transition and continuing forward including pictures along the way of my progress for those that wish to see for example the facial changes; there will not be any extreme bloody shots or other hard to look at type of things to gross anyone out. It will however be informative. I will leave the SRS (Surgical Reassignment Surgery) pictures off this site.
Below starts my story with more to continue.....
1/14/2006
Born a male but expected to be a female at birth had it’s consequences on both me and my parents, especially my mother. Never having a sister, I dressed in her clothes and while I never told her or she never caught me in them, I am sure now in my adulthood she must have known.
I knew all along I was different but never understood why. I had a doll I played with but was forced to play with cars and trucks so I ended up playing with girls my age in the neighborhood who allowed me to play dress up and little girl games with them. For show, I tried to play with the boys and their games too and even joined the Boy Scouts to try and fit in. I did manage to have a few very close friends but most of my closest relationships were with girls and the things I liked doing the most were the things they liked.
Going through school was a real challenge, I just didn’t fit in. While my family didn’t move, the school system kept sending me to a different school every year so I never knew anyone which didn’t help. Despite this, I developed my sense of self-worth, pride, confidence, values, principles and kindness towards others and even empathy in this environment. I learned compassion and understanding for others through my experiences and through my own ordeals.
Everything changed when my family moved to a new neighborhood, except my dressing. I mentioned above I had dressed in my mothers clothes. This is when it began. I could no longer dress in the clothes of the girls in the old neighborhood, so I used my mothers for the first time.
The dressing stopped suddenly however a few years later. I erased it from my mind completely as the years went on. I never once thought of it again until in 1997 when I had the urge to try on a pair of panties. They looked so exciting, I couldn’t stop myself. I felt a rush; even the feel of the nylon against my fingers was a treat and for awhile I was happy.
Then I had the idea to try on a bra and that too gave me much pleasure, then a half slip and pantyhose and both were feelings I very much enjoyed. It was erotic, I got carried away and started wearing pantyhose and even a bra under my day clothes out in public but not seen. I then started looking on the Internet for newsgroups and reading what others were posting and realizing for the first time, others like myself were out there and that is when I started to really accept myself, though I still felt it was a little weird that people were wearing panties every day because I still hadn’t come that far yet.
By the beginning of 1998, I started using makeup and used the family camcorder to take some video which I then converted to pictures to see how I looked in various outfits I bought over the Internet. I had gone to a support group and the rest is in my Bio.
Spring of 2003, big changes! I decide to get off of all anti-depressants and start living; living my life as a female 24/7. Up to now, trying to get a job as a male was not working, even after getting a short hair cut. I was miserable. I knew I was living a lie trying to live someone else’s life, not mine. I was only happy when I was Jenelle. What changed was meeting someone online, call her G. She had a fetish for men in a skirt. She found my Jenelle web site so we sent emails, chatted online and talked on the phone. She understood me and only thought of me as Jenelle.
As we talked we grew more fond for each other. We arranged for a get-together at a hotel and spent a weekend. It was her that got me to thinking of becoming Jenelle full time because I had never considered doing that before. She came along opening my eyes to what could be. She inspired me. She always told me to be myself. She gave me back myself; the confidence and self-esteem that had been taken away from years of verbal abuse by the ex. I was flowering and re-discovering who I really was and strong enough, feeling free to choose who I wanted to be for the first time again.
It was an employment agency that motivated me to change my name and put everything else into motion. It was also huge and final making everything that followed possible. At the end of the year, I sat in the courtroom being addressed as Jenelle and opposite me, my soon to be ex-wife; we are sitting in divorce court and no, we are not on TV.
Today, I live and work as Jenelle as a Help Desk Specialist at various Fortune 500 companies and have a wonderful home in a great neighborhood. Everyone thinks of me as a woman. I am living the life I always dreamed of and funny thing is, I never ever see another TS wherever I go, whatever I do!
Cha...cha...cha...changes
Femininity can be many different things but part of it is a woman's shape, specifically her breasts. It’s where nurturing begins for most children and the image most of us have when we think of women. Even women use their breasts for attractiveness. Breast augmentations account for most surgeries and as cross-dressers, we try to emulate breasts though silicone, birdseed or something similar. Long before I started hormones, I was able to create ample cleavage and most women thought I was on hormones. They wanted to “cop a feel”; I let them for a return feel. Mine, using silicone, as they said, never felt quite right, theirs however always felt soft and mushy, in a good way. As I lay beside women at night and got a handful as I went to sleep, I loved the feeling. When I started dressing, the act of putting on a bra was satisfying with the restriction, the look and the fact I was wearing a woman's undergarment, even the straps were a big turn-on. I would go to bed at night and with them on, filled with Silicone forms, not knowing that they would break, fantasizing about waking up and having my own real breasts by morning. Of course that never happened but I never stopped dreaming that it could until one day it did.
In March of 2003, I started on hormones, just Estrogen at first but then Spironolactone was introduced 6 months later and the Estrogen was increased. By that time I had grown to an A cup. I didn’t want to take too many hormones so as to retain my sexual performance. For my next appointment, the Estrogen and Spriro was increased higher as things were going well. My breasts continued to grow as other changes to my body continued to happened. Once my breasts had gotten to a full B cup, I had a mammogram done and with my higher voice, even the woman tech who tested me, thought I was a woman.
My breast growth had slowed, perhaps stopped for six months, so I wondered if it was time to make a change. Talking to my doctor, he added Progesterone after I said I didn’t care about my “performance” any longer and since then, have grown another 1/4 “ in the last 6 weeks, on the my way to a C, almost unheard of for a a genetic male. So it can happen, dreams CAN come true!
Moving On
I’ve imagined myself with a woman’s genitals as when looking at them in panties or a bikini bottom. I do not think in terms of penetration but think of women as my peers. My doctor says this is healthy. Tucking to achieve smoothness gets boring and reminds me of my aberration.
I wish for an operation sooner rather than later but realize there is no turning back, so I am in no hurry.
As long as I am functional, then I will let my body dictate to me when it is ready to proceed.
I want a woman who will accept me but have begun to discover that gender is not going to be the deciding factor to finding love after all; it is the person inside. This was a huge understanding that took a long time for me to learn. Having learned it, I am confident in moving forward, being myself and doing what I think is best, taking control of my life and finally being happy being me.
Many Surgeries Have I
(Apologies to Del Shannon, may he rest in peace- from "Two faces have I")
Pictures Page Surgery Pix
A letter (3/2/2006) I wrote for acceptance into a Yahoo TS/Partners Group submitted to
Trans Log 3/25/2006
Surgery with Dr. Suporn:
6/8/2006: Costs Involved With Surgery A breakdown of my costs associated with having the SRS and FFS work, where I am in terms of contributions and what I need it for exactly.
Dr. Suporn's Technique, a Slideshow Presentation